Glorious

repeated surrenders

Yesterday at church, it dawned upon me that until and unless I give my heart to Jesus completely, I’ll have to face the same struggles over and over again. How my heart fleets from a person to another, and how my mind wanders with possible futures and endless daydreams. And I forget to live my life. 

My heart would bring myself destruction if left to its own (low) defenses. It is too vulnerable to attacks. So I gave it to the Safekeeper, and asked Him to take care of it until I was ready. 

I pleaded for more of His Love as well. I haven’t been loving Him hard enough, that’s why I become susceptible to other sorts of love that would not bring complete satisfaction. I pleaded for more of His Love and asked Him to teach my heart how to love Him more. 

God once sent me a bouquet of heart-shaped clouds, and I remember how I thought, “No one can ever love me like God does.” It is still true. 

Let me run back to my first Love, and till the right time comes, I’ll continue to learn what it means to be devoted to the One and Only, and love all my brothers the same, impartially. 

Amen.

Here in Your Presence,

We are undone.

You know the confusions of my soul, You know the turmoils it suffers. You know how I try to seek, and You know how I feel- discouraged. You know, yet You chose to hide Your face. Until it was the right time as You have appointed.

You answered. You met me in my deepest need.

“If you were the only one standing, would you still stand for Me?”

“Yes, Father. I would. Yes I promise You I would.”

When the word was shared, I knew it was for me. Even if no one else in the auditorium stood, I would; no way was I going to miss out on the opportunity of being prayed for.

The Spirit was in our midst. I couldn’t even pray, but only allow the Holy Spirit to intercede for me through the tears. My sobs only got louder and my body shook more as I tried very hard to control my cries.

Pastor Jeff’s sincere prayer for those of us standing was very appreciated. Simple words, heartfelt prayer.

Curious glances shot over to see who this emotional wreck was… but they were not of my concern. I did not care. I received a healing touch from God, and that was all that mattered.

Those tears, they cleansed my soul. They hydrated my parched heart, they brought refreshment and renewal. They were what I needed- and God knew. And thus began my day of healing in Him.

Love

I realised, during the course of the concert, that Love really covers a multitude of sins/mistakes. Some notes were off, some parts of some songs not so well done, some singers did not smile, some moved their bodies too much… But all of that did not matter. The music did. Their experience did. The connection between the singers and the music, and subsequently the connection between the music and the audience did.

I never knew the existence of such love.

I smiled when I had goosebumps from the first few chords of the first song, I smiled when I heard some little mistakes that some made, I beamed when Ms Tham whispered little comments to the choir after each song, I waited with anticipation the song that I like, I even squelled when the emcee announced that the choirs were going to perform my favourite song.

I smiled when I saw Y wearing a flower of the same colour as I did, I smiled when I spotted D swaying a lot, I smiled when I spotted A smiling and enjoying the music so genuinely, I smiled when G’s voice rang so clear.

Throughout the performance, I whispered small prayers to the One who was there too. The One whom the composers wrote about, the One whom they experienced in nature. The One whom they sang of as they sang of Sun, Moon and Light. I whispered a prayer for J who looked worried, I whispered a prayer for Ms Tham and for the whole choir, that they’ll have strength to last the course of their performance. All who sing would know: it is tremendously tiring to perform a repertoire.

This feeling I felt was so overwhelming that I had no way of masking it. As I greeted and asked after Mrs Look and Mrs Yeow, they too remarked that I looked so happy. O what reason do I have not to be?

I brought no flowers but honey, for those dear ones I love. They’ll need it; their throats need rest. Those Manuka Lemon Honey lozenges are coated with prayers and all-goodness. Lord, keep them and grant them rest tonight.

Love, Joy, and Peace

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

According to Zig Ziglar in his book God’s Way is Still the Best Way, the first 3 of the nine – love, joy and peace - are fruits from within. They overflow and pour out of our souls as outward fruits - patience, kindness, and goodness. Lastly, all these lead us to develop upward fruits which are faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

So anyway, I’d been busy with submissions the past week, leaving me no time to think and reflect properly. But today is such a good day (I’d like to think of it as my Sabbath day) because all I’d been doing (other than the brief agony that only my dear sister saw after i made my clay model and before i left for church- thank God for Zhimin; she has always been there for me when I’m tired and cui) was to worship the Lord and dwell in His living House. 

I mentored Eunice today and was once again reminded of God’s work in our lives, how I can be uncertain of many things in my life, but still have joy because God holds my future. I still love the analogy of riding a bike, of how balance is achieved when one is moving forward, not when one has already arrived, of how God will lead us to a vantage point and show us many things and then all we have to do - lo and behold - is to simply lean into it! I was refreshed by the time with the girl today :) surely it was the Spirit in us who was there with us.

Today is the day that the RV year4s joined us for the very first time in the JC ministry! Such great anticipation and excitement that I’d not experienced to this extent before! Hoho was glad to have them, and I had to consciously remind myself to seek God as a child of God alone, and not to be busybody and think of how everyone else is experiencing God. I’m proud to say that I succeeded in doing so. :) That aside, the presence of the Spirit was so evident in the House today!!! Such powerful praise-and-worship and a visually-inspiring prophecy shared! And a very apt and applicable sermon taught. (I went to the back to sit with Aeres due to the lack of space and raised a thumbs-up to Raphael when I spied him looking! haha) It was a good time with Aeres at the back of the auditorium :) we learnt the word of God together and nudged each other with bit-sized infos every time they asked us to. haha. 

After the service, I kinda ushered the life group into America Room promptly (and I’m glad we did cos we had enough time to go to the washroom + prepare our hearts cos there was no need to rush). Only Raphael beat us to the room. To think I’d wanted to exclaim and congratulate ourselves being the first people in the room. Hah. Anyhow, I was reminded of having faith and trusting the Lord during the prayer meet. Then, I shared my testimony of how God had been faithful and good to me through the ‘A’ level season to encourage the j2s! I feel like I’d completed a part of my mission in the JC Ministry because I’d always wanted/felt a need to share my testimony. Anyway, they all seemed appalled (I’ll never forget the shock on Matthias’ face) when I said, ‘My prelim results were really bad. I scored one ‘B’, one ‘C’ and three ‘U’s.” -expressions of shock all over the room- 

It’s strange and awe-inspiring how I may be very tired physically but I always have joy when I’m serving Him. It’s a sign of good reliance on God! :D Praying that I’ll continue to depend on Him. 

Next week will be the last crazy week of this first semester (TIME FLIES!) with much work to complete. But precisely because it’s going to be so tough, I’m going to depend on God more and expect more of His Providence! Gotta learn to rely on God in my drawings and trust that I am His very creation, and He has placed me in this course because it is good for me and I can do it. (Claim Phillippians 4:13!)

Yay, go Zhiying!

Read More